Welcome to the club!!!

If you are the mother to a boy, I’d just like to welcome you to the club. I am the mother of not one, but two identical twin boys.  It has been an incredibly exciting adventure into the mind of a boy.  Boys have always been a mystery to me. I did not grow up with brothers. Obviously, boys communicate differently than girls. Slowly over time I have been deciphering the boy code.

There is a secret code I have deciphered with my boys.

Since my boys could talk, they have always approached me in their best adventurous voice saying, “You want a piece of me?” To which I always reply, “Yes, I want a piece of your heart.” Then we wrestle.  Eventually, I begin to realize this is how they get my attention. Boys are not going to come up to you and say, “Mommy can I have your attention right now?” My daughter does say this all the time, but never my boys. Remember this when your son comes up and jabs you, tries to push you over, or hits you and runs off. He’s trying to get your attention. Stop what you’re doing and give him attention. If he can’t get your attention over time he’ll stop trying.

Boys have a blue brain and girls have a pink brain.

I recently heard my daughter say to my twins, “I’m available for hugs if either of you needs one.”  The boys were of course unresponsive. She did not get any boy hugs that day.  As mothers, we need to respect boy’s boundaries with our love.  If a boy doesn’t want affection, we must resist the urge to smother them. On the other hand, always, always, always respond when they seek you out for affection.  Boys want hugs on their own terms.

You can have children with different capacities to love.

I have one twin boy that’s very affectionate, and another who is non-affectionate at first glance.   As mothers, we must peel back the layers of the onion to get to the core of our boy’s heart. One of my boys will seek me out for affection. I’m not going to lie, I eat that up.  However, I have made an intentional decision not to reject or punish my son who doesn’t seek me out for affection.

Many times, as mothers when a child rejects us, we turn our love off towards that child.  

Our own rejection issues shouldn’t get in the way of keeping our love on.  Emotional maturity means loving even when you’ve been rejected by your child.  I had a light bulb moment when I realized my seemingly non-affectionate son wanted my attention just as much as the affectionate one. He just didn’t initiate it with me. He shows it in a completely different way.

It’s time for a heart check.

Have you turned your love off towards one of your kids who rejected you in the past? If so, find a different way to communicate and connect with that child. However, don’t under any circumstances turn your love off. You will starve the relationship. Whatever you starve eventually dies.  If you have a child that doesn’t initiate affection with you that does not mean they don’t want it.

It’s important to monitor how you speak to your husband in front of your sons.

I had a man recently tell me he resented his mom, because of the way she talked to his father.  I realized after listening to him that he felt like she was disrespecting him when she disrespected his father. When you speak disrespectfully to your husband you will hurt your son.  Many times, when a parent criticizes a spouse the child internalizes that the parent is criticizing them. This is because some of our children have the same personality as the spouse we are criticizing. Men are wired to need respect just as much as women are wired to need affection.

We must not fall into the trap of parental pride.

I have one twin who doesn’t show me any affection when other people are around. Ironically, as soon as people leave, he instantly becomes affectionate with me.  I think he’s a secret sweetheart. He’s a rough and tumble kind of boy. He doesn’t like to show others that side of him.  It would be easy for one to make a snap judgement about my relationship with that son.  One could assume I don’t have as much of a connection with that one.  However, the truth is my bond is very strong with him.  Our bond is a private one, not on display for the world to judge.   I’m ok with that, because I am secure in my relationship with him. People will make incorrect snap judgements of your parenting all the time. That doesn’t make it accurate.   Don’t let your pride get the best of you when people misjudge your parenting.  People only see quick burst of interaction between you and your child. The most important thing is to keep that connection alive with your child, not maintain your public parenting reputation. Be confident inside your heart of the realities of your relationships.

Always take responsibility for your relationship with your children.

Avoid withhold your love to punish your child. Don’t scream and break their spirit.  Walk across the aisle and make the first move. You might have to try and get rejected repeatedly before they respond.  Show them the definition of unconditional love.  You’re teaching them how to parent your future grandchildren.  Love your spouse for the sake of your children.  Take personal responsibility for maintaining a connection with all your kids.  Avoid favoring one child, because you’ll reject the others. Don’t let people’s judgements break your parental confidence. Remember the relationship between a mother and her son is magical, adventurous, and the template for all his future relationships.