Philippians 4:13 applies to every area of our life, even parenting.
Have you ever seen a child tantrum building momentum from across the room? If you have more than one child, I am guessing you have one with a hot temper. I have three kids. They all have different temperaments despite having the same parents. I have a people pleaser, an avoider, and a hot-tempered child. That’s the way it goes in families. As you know, each child comes out with their own personality and temperament. You can have a pouter and a screamer all in the same family blood line. I think God wants to stretch us beyond our abilities to grow spiritual warriors. So, he gives us a little of everything.
The worst thing you can do in response to a child temper tantrum is raise your voice, puff your chest up, and turn into what we like to call angry boy at my house.
Yet, that is our body’s first reaction to child or dare I say it, even adult temper tantrums. We can learn to respond differently. The overly emotional and loud child needs the opposite reaction to calm them. A loud parent makes a loud child even louder. As tempting as it is, we can’t respond with anger to a child who just responded in anger. We can’t respond to a child temper tantrum by losing our temper in an adult size temper tantrum. Do you see the hypocrisy in that? When a parent screams to get a child’s attention they are trying to use their voice to bully and intimidate the child who is out of control. Often times, we do that as parents, because the kid is out of control, and we are trying to assert our authority to get them back in control. Let’s be honest it just means there are two out of control people in the house instead of one. Children don’t need to be dominated, rather they need to be mentored.
Child tantrums are a great opportunity to teach every child in the house how to have self-control.
Our actions, more so than our words, have tremendous power over the making of a 4:13 child. Remember you are your child’s most influential and longest teacher. Every child reflects on their parents behavior when they become an adult. That reflection time will greatly influence their adult decisions, and shape their character. How my parents responded to me has greatly impacted the person, teacher, and mom I have become.
You will need to change your tone of voice at times.
There is a need for a stern voice at times, however, you can assert your authoritative voice without screaming. It is effective to change the tone of your voice to communicate boundaries have been crossed. Screaming on the other hand does severe damage to a child’s soul. We can’t scare our kids into submission. Did you know scare means to cause great fear or nervousness in or to frighten? You can parent in a way in which they will respect you and know they crossed the line. Remember, kids who have a short fuse don’t naturally know how to control it. They often don’t know what to do in that moment. You must teach them.
Instead of reacting try these simple steps:
Reflection:
Send them to an area by themselves to cool down. Do NOT have any discussions immediately after a temper tantrum. It is not possible to have rational discussions until you both calm down. It’s physically not possible to reason until the body calms down, emotions settle, and the body goes back to resting state.
Thought Process:
Tell them to be preparing to answer what they could have done differently to avoid the problem when you return. This gives them time to think and reflect
Mentorship:
This is the step most parents skip. This is the most crucial step. Come back later to discuss what they could have done differently. This is your teaching moment. Give them strategies in addition to their idea to try in the future. Teach them to identify that trigger point in their emotions. That’s the point where their body starts to feel strong emotions and their heartbeat starts to race. They can learn to recognize these symptoms in their body
Deliver the Consequence:
State their consequence. Make the consequence fit the behavior. Sometimes it is necessary to give them a consequence, so they know that boundary was crossed. Sometimes it’s taking away the thing they enjoy the most. For example, sometimes it’s more effective to put the toy on a time-out, loss of electronics or even the loss of a privilege.
Facilitate the Restoration Process:
If they hurt someone with their outburst make sure they do something for that person to make restoration. It could be an apology letter or acts of service. Restoration of broken relationships is very important to the healing process. It’s too easy to throw an “I’m sorry” around flippantly. Have them say their sorry, tell what their sorry for, and do something to bring restoration to the relationship.
I call this a 1-2-3 apology.
1. Apologize
2. Say what your sorry for: owning of the behavior
3. Make restoration by doing something
The key to your success as a parent is keeping your own emotions in check as you discipline, mentor, and teach your children.
I know that’s easier than it sounds on paper. I validate how hard parenting can be at times.
Lead by example. You are your child’s most influential teacher. There is not a one of us that hasn’t lost our temper. I’ve learned as a wife and mother to apologize often and quickly. Apologizing gets the attention of God. If you lost your temper with them apologize. Your apology will teach them to own their own behavior. We all know a child temper tantrum will give the parent the same reaction; emotions swell, blood pressure starts rising, body starts reacting. Your response is so crucial in the making of a self-controlled child. You can do ALL things through the power of Jesus Christ. You can be a 4:13 parent.
