Have you ever witnessed an epic child meltdown? I know it was someone else’s kid, right. Have you ever met a super dramatic adult? I know they were from someone else’s family, right. Do you feel like a volcano just went off after interacting with them? If you said yes to any of these questions keep reading.
In real life magma flows up from a “hot spot” deep within the earth and erupts as a volcano. Human beings sometimes react the same as a volcano. You can actually learn how to diffuse an erupting adult or child. You need the opposite reaction to produce the right results. I have noticed when you engage with a screaming adult or tantrum throwing child the situation escalates to mountain tops you didn’t know were possible. It’s never pretty on top of that mountain. You can actually learn not to climb up that mountain top. You have the power to avoid that mountain top scenery.
I once lost my voice while teaching 5th grade in the Minneapolis Public School district. I went to work that day not quite sure how the day would go. I was picturing the class going crazy in the absence of my voice. How can you command a classroom fully of rowdy students without a voice? Well it turned into a very interesting experiment that taught me a huge life lesson. I talked in a soft whisper all day long while I taught my lessons. As I was whispering, they whispered back in a similar soft tone. I had a classroom full of soft whispering fifth graders mimicking their teacher.
I also learned that day how effective nonverbal cues can be to manage kid behaviors. Nonverbal cues are a tool you may not have considered. It allows you to manage behavior without even using your voice. Yelling is actually very noneffective and leaves deep rooted scars and emotional damage in children. There are times when you need to change your voice tone for effect. A stern voice may be needed to communicate the child is crossing a boundary. There is actually a difference between stern and yelling. The problem with screaming is it produces fear and shames the child. Screaming is meant to intimidate the other person. There are more effective ways to correct behavior.
Let’s examine two scenarios here. First lets look at the child volcano. We have all experienced child tantrums. As your child’s voice gets louder yours should get softer. Two loud voices escalate the situation to places no one wants to go. I have learned with my own children the fastest way to diffuse the tantrum is to lower my voice and remove the audience. Calming your voice actually deescalates the confrontation. Sometimes it is very powerful to remove the audience. I actually use this parenting tool a lot. When a child has an audience you feed the lion. Have you noticed that tantrums last a lot longer when there is an audience? It’s no fun to have a tantrum all by yourself. When my child is having a tantrum, which yes happens at my house too, remove the audience. A lot of times I don’t respond and just walk away to give them space. Not every misbehavior even needs a response. Nine times out of ten the volcano stops erupting as soon as I walk away, because I have removed the energy from the room. When you try to reason or argue with the child having the tantrum it gives the misbehavior energy. Don’t try to discipline or engage a raging volcano. Let the child and you calm down first. I have had adults say to me, “Do you hear your child crying?” My response, ” Yes, I do, but I’m choosing to ignore negative behavior.” Give the most attention to the behavior you want repeated. If the negative behavior gets more of a reaction than the positive, than that’s what they’ll do next time. Remember to give positive behavior over the top energy. I will give a disclaimer here: if the child is hurting themselves or others than of course you need to intervene.
Let’s look at the second scenario. Does this work on adults? I have learned the hard way that it does. I once had a friend who had a really short fuse. You never knew what was going to cause her to erupt like a volcano. Years ago I would try to reason with her in the moment. I was never once successful with that approach. I learned after many failed attempts to end the conversation. When an adult is erupting they are looking to engage in a fight. Some people are addicted to fighting and conflict. You give them what they want when you engage in this behavior. Not everyone has learned how to live a peaceful life. However, the best response to a raging adult volcano is a passive response. With an adult it is important to set the boundary: explain why your ending the conversation. Then next remove the audience: end it by hanging up or walking away. 
Remember if you feed the lion they will roar even louder. Give them the exact opposite response. If only I had learned this when I was younger. The goal is to diffuse the erupting volcano not throw more fire on it so it implodes in your face.
Peace is a choice!!!!! You can even learn to have peace when the little and big volcano’s are erupting and spewing lava all over you. Try it next time you encounter a volcano!!
