I want to warn you about the great disconnect.
Love is not love in every language, when it comes to parenting. I often hear a common argument between parents and children. Children often tell me they don’t feel loved by their parents. Many times, it is the great disconnect that keeps them from feeling loved. It often goes like the following scenario.
The child says, “You don’t love me.” The parents respond in anger, “I do too love you. I do this…..this….and this for you.” The child answers back, “But I don’t feel like you love me.
The problem here is the parent might do things for the child, but not in their love language.
Therefore, it doesn’t feel like love to the child. The child’s heart doesn’t respond to the parent, because they are wired to receive love differently. Bottom line if you don’t love children in their love language, they won’t feel loved. It really is that simple. We really must get this. It can transform your stressful relationship with your son or daughter. It can take you from the great disconnect to a meaningful connection with your child.
There are five different love languages: acts of service, affirmation, gifts, touch, and time. Most of us love in the language that’s easiest for us to give or the one we want ourselves. However, until you love in your child’s love language there will always be the great disconnect. Children light up like a Christmas tree when they are being loved in their love language. When you feel loved by your parents your heart is secure, your self-esteem is stable, your confidence is known to others.
Sometimes your children will have the love language that’s hardest for you to give.
Ironically, all my children have the love language that is hardest for me to give. If my kids had the love language that I’m good at giving, I’d be mom of the year. It’s easy for me to give affirmation. It just pours out of me before I can even stop it. However, it doesn’t do as much for my kids as some other love languges. So, I must stretch myself to give the love language that’s out of my comfort zone. Parenting is the one thing that will stretch you, challenge you, and push you to be a better version of yourself. The process of parenting will remove every selfish cell from your body if you do it right. There is enough self to go around. We must let the parenting process make us a better version of ourselves.
The Great disconnect often gets labeled as favoritism in families.
If one child is being loved in their love language they feel secure and loved. However, a sibling from the exact same family can cry favoritism. Maybe it’s nothing more than the great disconnect. It’s possible that that parent loves them, but not in their love language. So, in family settings one child can feel loved and another unloved. Again, you can be loving your child, but not in their love language.
Take my parenting challenge.
I want to challenge you in a particular area of parenting. It might be easier to connect with the child who receives the love language you’re best at giving. As parents, we can let our own self- esteem cloud our judgement. The child whose loving in the parents love language can easily get their parents approval and attention. This is an easy trap for parents to fall into. Feeling loved or not loved by your child can make you respond differently. Mature love reaches out to all their children regardless of how they make you feel. Children will make their parents feel rejected at times. Mature love continues to reach out anyways.
It’s easy for roots of favoritism to grow.
It can be hard to connect with children who have a love language that’s hard for you to give. Don’t let the love languages produce a seed of favoritism in your family garden. The problem with favoritism is it requires you to reject the others. Work hard to connect with ALL your children, not just the ones with whom its easy. Here’s an ugly truth about parenting. It is easier to connect with some kids verses others for many reasons. Kids who don’t feel a connection with their parents pull away, disconnect, rebel, move away, and avoid spending time with their parents. They sometimes seek out a connection outside the family unit. Sometimes they seek that connection through destructive behaviors and relationships. Thus, the reason you must weed your family garden, and remove those seeds that will destroy the health of a family unit. Parents you have a lot of power in parenting. Use that power to weed your own heart of anything that can disconnect you from your child. God wants to bring light to all the dark places of our heart.
My parenting philosophy is called parenting on purpose.
We must be intentional about parenting. The love languages often get over looked in parenting. Take some time today to find out what your child’s love langue might be. Are you loving your children in the way most convenient for you? If so challenge yourself to love in their love language. Parenting will force us to leave our comfort zones. Make it your goal to grow in giving mature love. Loving a child in their love language will transform your relationship. It can bring new life and restoration to what may seem like a hopeless relationship. Your relationships can go from broken to restored. Restoration is possible through the power of Jesus Christ!!